Chapter One
It all started on a beautiful Saturday afternoon in April of 2012. You had been having headaches, lots of them. You were treated at an ER with steroids because it was “probably allergies”. Well it wasn’t. Scans confirmed a brain tumor and pathology confirmed the worst, GBM. So that began our 8+ years of dealing with the beast.
You endured the standard treatments, 32 radiation
treatments, months and months of chemotherapy; Temodar, Avastin, Carbo platinum,
more radiation and all the rest including over 50 MRI's. I think the thing you hated most, and I would
agree, was the weekly blood draws. It got to where they could never hit a vein.
Prior to the seizure I had noticed some personality things were a bit off at first. At one point I thought we were going to split up. It wasn’t until you got so mad at the weed wacker that worried me. The very next day April 29th, the day that changed everything.
The end came early in the morning of October 30th, 2020.
Watching someone die who was the love of your life is an
inexpressible emotion. When two people have a connection as strong as ours
words are unnecessary to convey the love that we knew existed. Even
knowing how much you loved me I always sought and craved the reinforcement of
your touch and soothing voice. You were always a part of me. When I would think
of me, I always thought of us.
Our First Anniversary 1985
Watching you die was not easy. It required me to dig deep inside myself, searching for the strength I would need to see you through this. I don’t know if I did a good job or not. I think I did. You never ended up in a hospital; no more pokes and prods and needles and all that crap. So, yeah; I think I was able to give you a comfortable transition to the other side.
Two things I will take away from your day was that final smile and a twinkle in your eye. You were naughty right up to the end.
Chapter two
GBM is a viscous animal with voracious appetite. It slowly consumes its host until they both die. Staving off this beast for as long as you did was remarkable, but, in the end the beast won.
Or did it?
You never let it deprive you of things that mattered.
You made it fight for every brain cell it wanted.
You attacked it with everything you could because you never gave up.
Your optimistic hope that things will get better is an inspiration for a lot of people.
On our first date
I know I saw it.
On the morning that you left, you woke me. Something had changed in the rhythm of your breathing or you made a sound but it woke me. I looked up and saw your chest relax with your final breath and I knew you were free.
I immediately did nothing.
I couldn’t.
What would I do?
I just watched as your spirit left you until I was alone.
Chapter Three
May 27th, 1984 Reno,
Nevada
- I have your spirit.
The first thing I asked you after you died was, “Where did you go?” I still ask.
I know the answer;
there is no answer.
- It is safe with me.
This grief I felt at your loss is not grief for me and what I lost.
It is for you and what you lost, what you’ll never see or do.
I grieve
for you.
- It’s been 5 days now.
You will have a nice funeral,
I’ve seen to that.
Many people whose lives you touched will be there. Linda said she’d definitely be there.
Dorothy can’t, you know that, but she’s called twice.
Shane and Tony will be
with you overnight on Friday in the Maori tradition.
- I’m trying to keep it together.
When I was getting our house together after your remains
were taken away emptiness immediately took over the place. It felt like I
was cleaning up after a big party. A strange and curious sensation.
What will become of me after our life has been reviewed remains to be seen. The lessons I learned during our life together will guide me forever.
I will move on as everyone suggests but my heart will never be the same.
Thank you for placing the ultimate trust in me all those years ago. With your strength we were able to have a pretty good life together. For that I will be forever grateful.
Not many people are as blessed as we were.
Thank you my love.
G.
